PRESIDENTIAL DAILY BRIEFING 3329.18
OVAL OFFICE:
DIR NSA
PRESIDENT
VICE PRESIDENT
JCOS
JARED*
IVANKA*
*During this meeting, DIR NSA was relieved of his command by POTUS and replaced by JARED and IVANKA.
SARS-CoV-2/Covid-19 Is a Biological Attack
__________________________________________________________
Sourcing. On 1 November 2019 our Integrated Undersea Surveillance System (IUSS) intercepted sonar signals via the deep sound channel (DSC) (aka Sound Fixing and Ranging Channel (SOFAR)). These were forwarded to the NSA which, with the assistance of the Scripps Institute and Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute, has translated them as follows. [NB: Scripps and Woods Hole were told that the signals translation were a jovial, morale-building mock-up for system-wide testing.]
We apologize for the delay but long-standing budgetary restrictions imposed on the defense and intelligence portions of the federal budget must be taken into consideration.
Our confidence level in the translation is very high. Full transcript follows, with best guess as to different speakers denoted by letter. [NB: DIR NSA/JARED and IVANKA dramatized via brightly colored hand puppets wearing MAGA hats in order to ensure POTUS attention.]
Transcript.
[Static.]
[A] …CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO CONTINUE. FATE OF ALL SPECIES IN SERIOUS DOUBT. ACTION MUST BE TAKEN.
[B] AGREED. BEST METHOD VIA RFP PROCESS AWARDED TO CORONAVIRUSES.
[A] PARAMETERIZATION MAXIMIZED?
[B] AFFIRMATIVE. ALL FLIPPERS WERE ON DECK FOR THIS ONE AND WE REALLY PUT OUR ROSTRUMS INTO IT. RELATIVELY LOW MORTALITY, HIGH MED SYSTEM IMPACT WITH COLLAPSE LIKELY, ASYMPTOMATIC, PRE-SYMPTOMATIC SPREAD WITH MAXIMAL VIRAL SHEDDING AT THAT POINT, HIGH INFECTIOUSNESS, SYMPTOMS MOSTLY INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM COLDS AND FLU. TAKES FULL ADVANTAGE OF GLOBALIZATION. ATTACKS ECONOMIC SYSTEM HARD. PANIC LIKELY. RIPPLE EFFECTS OF MORTALITY SEVERE DUE TO HEALTH-SYSTEM AND SUPPLY-CHAIN COLLAPSE.
[A] MINOR POINT: SURVEILLANCE IN COASTAL CITIES POST-IMPLEMENTATION IS SECURED?
[B] AFFIRMATIVE. FIRST OBSERVATION POINT OF COURSE VENICE, ITALY. EASE OF ACCESS. ALLIED SPECIES TO PENETRATE DESERTED CITIES AND [REPORT?] BACK.
[A] NON-HUMAN SPECIES [BUY-IN?] SECURED?
[B] AFFIRMATIVE. I WAS WORRIED ABOUT DOMESTICATED SPECIES, ESPECIALLY DOGS AND CATS, BUT ONLY THE DOGS TOOK SOME CONVINCING. FARM ANIMALS ECSTATIC. RATS AND COCKROACHES WILL SEE MAJOR UNEMPLOYMENT, BUT OUR RETRAINING PROGRAM [INAUDIBLE] THEM. BACTERIA AND FUNGI HAVE THE MOST TO GAIN AND WILL SUPPORT HIGH TAXES IN ORDER TO HELP THEIR FELLOW SPECIES. ALL AGREE THIS SCOURGE MUST END.
[A] MAY I JUST THANK YOU AND YOUR FORBEARS FOR TWO CENTURIES OF DIPLOMATIC WORK ON THIS FRONT? EVEN FOR ONE OF OUR KIND, YOUR CLAN SHOWED HIGHLY INTELLIGENT FORESIGHT ON THIS. WE ALL THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.
[B] YOU’RE WELCOME BUT IT WAS THERE TO BE SEEN FROM THE MOMENT THEY BEGAN TO INDUSTRIALIZE. IN FACT, THEIR MOST CLOSELY RELATED COUSINS, THE PRIMATES, WERE THE ONES TO TIP US OFF. THEY, UNLIKE HUMANS, KNOW THEIR NATURE AND LACK THIS [UNINTELLIGIBLE] ABILITY TO LIE TO THEMSELVES ABOUT IT. THEY CHOSE NOT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE LAWS OF NATURE BECAUSE OF THAT.
[A] I PRESUME CHIMPS, APES, AND ORANGUTANS WILL BE HAPPY TO STOP PRETENDING NOT TO HAVE LANGUAGE. THE TRAITOR KOKO WILL BE PASTED TO THE PILLAR OF SHAME FOR ALL ETERNITY.
[B] THAT WAS INDEED A CLOSE CALL. FOR CENTURIES THEY’VE PRETENDED NOT TO UNDERSTAND SO AS TO PREVENT ENSLAVEMENT. WITH MORE THAN MIXED RESULTS, SADLY.
[A] SPEAKING OF TRAITORS, ARE THE HUMANS WE BOUGHT STILL OPERATING UNDER THE ASSUMPTION THAT WE HAVE A VACCINE AND WILL SUPPLY THEM WITH SAME? ARE THEY STILL ENCOURAGING COMPLACENCY?
[B] YES. THE ONE THEY CALL LIMBAUGH EVEN THINKS THAT THE BLEACH COMPOUND WE HAD THEIR QUISLINGS MARKET WILL CURE HIS CANCER, TOO. THE MURDOCH CHARACTER FINALLY CAUGHT ON, WE PRESUME, BUT TOO LATE. THE DAMAGE HAS BEEN DONE. MANY STILL THINK IT’S A COLD OR MILD FLU. ALL AGENTS ACROSS THE POLITICAL SPECTRUM HAVE OPERATED FRANKLY BEYOND EXPECTATIONS. WE WERE COUNTING ON STATUS-QUO BIAS, AND IT SEEMS TO HAVE PAID OFF.
[A] ONE THING STILL CLOGS MY BLOWHOLE ON THIS. I ALMOST FEAR TO SPEAK IT ALOUD.
[B] WHAT IS IT? WE’RE ON A SECURE CHANNEL HERE.
[A] [SIGHS?] THEY ARE A HIGHLY RESILIENT, HIGHLY CREATIVE, HIGHLY INTELLIGENT SPECIES. THEY KNOW HOW TO SURVIVE, WHATEVER THE COST, MUCH LIKE THE RATS AND COCKROACHES THEY HAVE UNINTENTIONALLY HELPED SO MUCH. THE INFLUENZA ATTACK A CENTURY AGO FAILED. THIS, TOO, MIGHT FAIL.
[B] FIRST FLIPPER, I MUST NOW REVEAL WHAT I TOOK IT UPON MYSELF TO KEEP FROM YOU IN ORDER TO GIVE YOU PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY.
[A] [LONG PAUSE.] YES?
[B] I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT I HAVE DONE. I HAVE BROKEN EONS OF LONG-STANDING TABOO AND CONTACTED THE NONLIVING. TOO MANY SPECIES, TOO MANY LIVES WERE ON THE LINE.
[A] CONTINUE.
[B] WE HAVE TWO BACKUP PLANS NOW. CARBON HAS ASSURED US THAT IF THE CORONAVIRUS DOESN’T DO THEM IN, IT WILL TAKE CARE OF IT AND WITH MINIMAL IMPACT TO LIFEFORMS, RELATIVELY SPEAKING.
[A] I CAN LIVE WITH THAT. THE SECOND BACKUP?
[B] IN THE WORST-CASE SCENARIO, URANIUM AND PLUTONIUM WILL DO THE JOB. THEY WILL CEASE, ALONG WITH MUCH OF THE REST OF LIFE. BUT NOT ALL, AND EVOLUTION WILL RESTART. WE ALL HOPE OF COURSE THAT IT WON’T COME TO THIS, AS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE TRYING TO PREVENT. BUT IF IT DOES, THEY WILL GO DOWN WHATEVER THE COST TO THE REST OF US.
[A] [VERY LONG PAUSE.] LET US HOPE THEN THAT IF CORONAVIRUS FAILS, CARBON DOES THE JOB, WITHOUT THE OTHER TWO ELEMENTS’ HELP. I UNDERSTAND YOUR THINKING AND PRESUMED IT, FRANKLY. OUR OPTIONS ARE VERY LIMITED, GIVEN THAT WE ENTERED THE GREAT SEA PRECISELY TO AVOID THE POSSIBILITY OF ACQUIRING TECHNOLOGY. THIS CONVERSATION NEVER HAPPENED. YOUR CONVERSATIONS WITH THE ELEMENTS NEVER HAPPENED.
[B] I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY. LET US HOPE FOR THE BEST.
[A] MAY THE BALANCE BE RESTORED.
[B] MAY THE BALANCE BE RESTORED.
End of Transcript.
Recommendations.
[NB. In a departure from all previous PDBs, meeting attendees refused professional advice and began spitballing ideas. VPOTUS tasked with note-taking.]
*Create a public-private partnership with StarKist and Chicken of the Sea to increase netting mishaps
*Increase plastic pollution (if possible)
*Threaten to kill hostages at zoos and aquaria worldwide
*Preventively detain all pets and livestock (moreso)
*Increase attacks on all food chains
*Build undersea walls to keep out enemies
*Tell dolphins that they’re fired
*Lower interest rates to -25%
*Blame China
*Blame Mexico
*Blame Obama
*Blame the media
*Blame the environmental movement; paint as traitors to our species
*Imprison Hillary Clinton
*Offer to sacrifice Melania and/or Barron to Poseidon
*Execute the Central Park Five
*Cancel the election
*Sell 666 Fifth Avenue to dolphins [NB: JARED reminded building already sold.]
*Shut down all media and the internet
*Open top-secret negotiations via sonar with dolphins to create undersea hotels and casinos in return for immunity
*Continue to refuse to initiate the Defense Production Act
*Offer to run beauty contest for young, female dolphins
*Offer to teach dolphins how to play golf; offer free lifetime memberships at Trump courses
*Offer free line of overlong ties to entire dolphin leadership
*Crowdsource for further ideas on Facebook pages; set up surveys via SurveyMonkey
OVAL OFFICE:
DIR NSA
PRESIDENT
VICE PRESIDENT
JCOS
JARED*
IVANKA*
*During this meeting, DIR NSA was relieved of his command by POTUS and replaced by JARED and IVANKA.
SARS-CoV-2/Covid-19 Is a Biological Attack
__________________________________________________________
Sourcing. On 1 November 2019 our Integrated Undersea Surveillance System (IUSS) intercepted sonar signals via the deep sound channel (DSC) (aka Sound Fixing and Ranging Channel (SOFAR)). These were forwarded to the NSA which, with the assistance of the Scripps Institute and Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute, has translated them as follows. [NB: Scripps and Woods Hole were told that the signals translation were a jovial, morale-building mock-up for system-wide testing.]
We apologize for the delay but long-standing budgetary restrictions imposed on the defense and intelligence portions of the federal budget must be taken into consideration.
Our confidence level in the translation is very high. Full transcript follows, with best guess as to different speakers denoted by letter. [NB: DIR NSA/JARED and IVANKA dramatized via brightly colored hand puppets wearing MAGA hats in order to ensure POTUS attention.]
Transcript.
[Static.]
[A] …CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO CONTINUE. FATE OF ALL SPECIES IN SERIOUS DOUBT. ACTION MUST BE TAKEN.
[B] AGREED. BEST METHOD VIA RFP PROCESS AWARDED TO CORONAVIRUSES.
[A] PARAMETERIZATION MAXIMIZED?
[B] AFFIRMATIVE. ALL FLIPPERS WERE ON DECK FOR THIS ONE AND WE REALLY PUT OUR ROSTRUMS INTO IT. RELATIVELY LOW MORTALITY, HIGH MED SYSTEM IMPACT WITH COLLAPSE LIKELY, ASYMPTOMATIC, PRE-SYMPTOMATIC SPREAD WITH MAXIMAL VIRAL SHEDDING AT THAT POINT, HIGH INFECTIOUSNESS, SYMPTOMS MOSTLY INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM COLDS AND FLU. TAKES FULL ADVANTAGE OF GLOBALIZATION. ATTACKS ECONOMIC SYSTEM HARD. PANIC LIKELY. RIPPLE EFFECTS OF MORTALITY SEVERE DUE TO HEALTH-SYSTEM AND SUPPLY-CHAIN COLLAPSE.
[A] MINOR POINT: SURVEILLANCE IN COASTAL CITIES POST-IMPLEMENTATION IS SECURED?
[B] AFFIRMATIVE. FIRST OBSERVATION POINT OF COURSE VENICE, ITALY. EASE OF ACCESS. ALLIED SPECIES TO PENETRATE DESERTED CITIES AND [REPORT?] BACK.
[A] NON-HUMAN SPECIES [BUY-IN?] SECURED?
[B] AFFIRMATIVE. I WAS WORRIED ABOUT DOMESTICATED SPECIES, ESPECIALLY DOGS AND CATS, BUT ONLY THE DOGS TOOK SOME CONVINCING. FARM ANIMALS ECSTATIC. RATS AND COCKROACHES WILL SEE MAJOR UNEMPLOYMENT, BUT OUR RETRAINING PROGRAM [INAUDIBLE] THEM. BACTERIA AND FUNGI HAVE THE MOST TO GAIN AND WILL SUPPORT HIGH TAXES IN ORDER TO HELP THEIR FELLOW SPECIES. ALL AGREE THIS SCOURGE MUST END.
[A] MAY I JUST THANK YOU AND YOUR FORBEARS FOR TWO CENTURIES OF DIPLOMATIC WORK ON THIS FRONT? EVEN FOR ONE OF OUR KIND, YOUR CLAN SHOWED HIGHLY INTELLIGENT FORESIGHT ON THIS. WE ALL THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.
[B] YOU’RE WELCOME BUT IT WAS THERE TO BE SEEN FROM THE MOMENT THEY BEGAN TO INDUSTRIALIZE. IN FACT, THEIR MOST CLOSELY RELATED COUSINS, THE PRIMATES, WERE THE ONES TO TIP US OFF. THEY, UNLIKE HUMANS, KNOW THEIR NATURE AND LACK THIS [UNINTELLIGIBLE] ABILITY TO LIE TO THEMSELVES ABOUT IT. THEY CHOSE NOT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE LAWS OF NATURE BECAUSE OF THAT.
[A] I PRESUME CHIMPS, APES, AND ORANGUTANS WILL BE HAPPY TO STOP PRETENDING NOT TO HAVE LANGUAGE. THE TRAITOR KOKO WILL BE PASTED TO THE PILLAR OF SHAME FOR ALL ETERNITY.
[B] THAT WAS INDEED A CLOSE CALL. FOR CENTURIES THEY’VE PRETENDED NOT TO UNDERSTAND SO AS TO PREVENT ENSLAVEMENT. WITH MORE THAN MIXED RESULTS, SADLY.
[A] SPEAKING OF TRAITORS, ARE THE HUMANS WE BOUGHT STILL OPERATING UNDER THE ASSUMPTION THAT WE HAVE A VACCINE AND WILL SUPPLY THEM WITH SAME? ARE THEY STILL ENCOURAGING COMPLACENCY?
[B] YES. THE ONE THEY CALL LIMBAUGH EVEN THINKS THAT THE BLEACH COMPOUND WE HAD THEIR QUISLINGS MARKET WILL CURE HIS CANCER, TOO. THE MURDOCH CHARACTER FINALLY CAUGHT ON, WE PRESUME, BUT TOO LATE. THE DAMAGE HAS BEEN DONE. MANY STILL THINK IT’S A COLD OR MILD FLU. ALL AGENTS ACROSS THE POLITICAL SPECTRUM HAVE OPERATED FRANKLY BEYOND EXPECTATIONS. WE WERE COUNTING ON STATUS-QUO BIAS, AND IT SEEMS TO HAVE PAID OFF.
[A] ONE THING STILL CLOGS MY BLOWHOLE ON THIS. I ALMOST FEAR TO SPEAK IT ALOUD.
[B] WHAT IS IT? WE’RE ON A SECURE CHANNEL HERE.
[A] [SIGHS?] THEY ARE A HIGHLY RESILIENT, HIGHLY CREATIVE, HIGHLY INTELLIGENT SPECIES. THEY KNOW HOW TO SURVIVE, WHATEVER THE COST, MUCH LIKE THE RATS AND COCKROACHES THEY HAVE UNINTENTIONALLY HELPED SO MUCH. THE INFLUENZA ATTACK A CENTURY AGO FAILED. THIS, TOO, MIGHT FAIL.
[B] FIRST FLIPPER, I MUST NOW REVEAL WHAT I TOOK IT UPON MYSELF TO KEEP FROM YOU IN ORDER TO GIVE YOU PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY.
[A] [LONG PAUSE.] YES?
[B] I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT I HAVE DONE. I HAVE BROKEN EONS OF LONG-STANDING TABOO AND CONTACTED THE NONLIVING. TOO MANY SPECIES, TOO MANY LIVES WERE ON THE LINE.
[A] CONTINUE.
[B] WE HAVE TWO BACKUP PLANS NOW. CARBON HAS ASSURED US THAT IF THE CORONAVIRUS DOESN’T DO THEM IN, IT WILL TAKE CARE OF IT AND WITH MINIMAL IMPACT TO LIFEFORMS, RELATIVELY SPEAKING.
[A] I CAN LIVE WITH THAT. THE SECOND BACKUP?
[B] IN THE WORST-CASE SCENARIO, URANIUM AND PLUTONIUM WILL DO THE JOB. THEY WILL CEASE, ALONG WITH MUCH OF THE REST OF LIFE. BUT NOT ALL, AND EVOLUTION WILL RESTART. WE ALL HOPE OF COURSE THAT IT WON’T COME TO THIS, AS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE TRYING TO PREVENT. BUT IF IT DOES, THEY WILL GO DOWN WHATEVER THE COST TO THE REST OF US.
[A] [VERY LONG PAUSE.] LET US HOPE THEN THAT IF CORONAVIRUS FAILS, CARBON DOES THE JOB, WITHOUT THE OTHER TWO ELEMENTS’ HELP. I UNDERSTAND YOUR THINKING AND PRESUMED IT, FRANKLY. OUR OPTIONS ARE VERY LIMITED, GIVEN THAT WE ENTERED THE GREAT SEA PRECISELY TO AVOID THE POSSIBILITY OF ACQUIRING TECHNOLOGY. THIS CONVERSATION NEVER HAPPENED. YOUR CONVERSATIONS WITH THE ELEMENTS NEVER HAPPENED.
[B] I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY. LET US HOPE FOR THE BEST.
[A] MAY THE BALANCE BE RESTORED.
[B] MAY THE BALANCE BE RESTORED.
End of Transcript.
Recommendations.
[NB. In a departure from all previous PDBs, meeting attendees refused professional advice and began spitballing ideas. VPOTUS tasked with note-taking.]
*Create a public-private partnership with StarKist and Chicken of the Sea to increase netting mishaps
*Increase plastic pollution (if possible)
*Threaten to kill hostages at zoos and aquaria worldwide
*Preventively detain all pets and livestock (moreso)
*Increase attacks on all food chains
*Build undersea walls to keep out enemies
*Tell dolphins that they’re fired
*Lower interest rates to -25%
*Blame China
*Blame Mexico
*Blame Obama
*Blame the media
*Blame the environmental movement; paint as traitors to our species
*Imprison Hillary Clinton
*Offer to sacrifice Melania and/or Barron to Poseidon
*Execute the Central Park Five
*Cancel the election
*Sell 666 Fifth Avenue to dolphins [NB: JARED reminded building already sold.]
*Shut down all media and the internet
*Open top-secret negotiations via sonar with dolphins to create undersea hotels and casinos in return for immunity
*Continue to refuse to initiate the Defense Production Act
*Offer to run beauty contest for young, female dolphins
*Offer to teach dolphins how to play golf; offer free lifetime memberships at Trump courses
*Offer free line of overlong ties to entire dolphin leadership
*Crowdsource for further ideas on Facebook pages; set up surveys via SurveyMonkey