Herodotus vs Thucydides: History is Born

Herodotus:

Thus, 490 trillion Persians were arrayed against one shepherd, Testikles of Thrace, son of Phallos, who defeated them though armed merely with a staff because Xerxes misinterpreted the following admittedly ambiguous oracle:

Turn around, you fucking idiot. You’re gonna get your ass handed to you. Yes, you, Xerxes, reading this right now! How many times do I have to fuck with the entrails till you listen? I tied ‘em in a goddamn knot last time. Who the fuck did you hire to interpret this shit for you? Blind retards? Oy, a god could plotz from you.

By the way, in Thrace they have witches who can levitate basic farming implements by rubbing frankincense into Abderan goats when the Aeolian winds blow on the fifth Sunday after a Delian wins the laurel for homoerotic wrestling at the Olympics. 

Or this story could be bullshit. It is not for me to say. I just present stuff, take my speaking fee, and fuck off back to my villa.

Thucydides:

In the fifth day of the fourth month after the summer following some point in time even I can’t keep straight, Epididymus of Colon arrived at Athens and said to the assembled citizenry:

“Noble Athenians! Though you be great and Colon small, surely you can spare one ship to defend us from your own navy, though your treaty with the Lacedaemonians may seem to prohibit it.”

Pericles responded:

“Aren’t you the guy who said I always wear this helmet because I have a pointy head?”

Epididymus replied:

“Uh, no, uh, I think that was someone else. You gonna give us the ship, egghead, or what? By the way, your buildings suck.”

Pericles ran him through with a spear, which shows just how tragically doomed was Epididymus. And Pericles. And me. And you. And everyone.

Power, fear, and self-interest are all that ever matters. And I’m talking about within nuclear families. In international relations, things are not so soft. 

So, rule with an iron fist, never trust, never love, and I don’t want to catch any of you motherfuckers enjoying anything for any length of time as long as you live. 

Never forget: life is a hellscape of unrelenting pain and horror!

Peace out.

——-

I love ‘em both: I merely kid. Read Hobbes’ translation of Thucydides. They don’t write like that anymore, as you can see.