National Weather Service: Hazardous Weather Outlook for the Nation
Hazardous Weather Outlook
URGENT - WEATHER MESSAGE
National Weather Service Washington, DC
347 PM EDT Thu Jul 18 2019
CTZ002>004-MAZ002>021-026-RIZ001>007-190900-
/O.UPG.KBOX.EH.A.0001.190720T1500Z-190721T0100Z/
/O.NEW.KBOX.EH.W.0001.190719T1600Z-190722T0000Z/
Alabama-Arizona-Arkansas-California-Colorado-Connecticut-Delaware-Florida-Georgia-Idaho-Illinois-Indiana-Iowa-Kansas-Kentucky-Louisiana-Maine-Maryland-Massachusetts-Michigan-Minnesota-Mississippi-Missouri-Montana-Nebraska-Nevada-New Hampshire-New Jersey-New Mexico-New York-North Carolina-North Dakota-Ohio-Oklahoma-Oregon-Pennsylvania-Rhode Island-South Carolina-South Dakota-Tennessee-Texas-Utah-Vermont-Virginia-Washington-West Virginia-Wisconsin-Wyoming
347 PM EDT Thu Jul 18 2019
...VENUS-LEVEL HEAT WARNING IN EFFECT FROM NOON FRIDAY TO 8 PM EDT SUNDAY...
The National Weather Service has issued a Venus-Level Heat Warning, which is in effect from noon Friday to 8 PM EDT Sunday.
The Excessive Heat Watch is no longer in effect because it just melted.
* HEAT INDEX VALUES...On Friday expect values 795 to 800 degrees. Saturday and again Sunday values are expected to range from 807 to 812 degrees.
* TIMING...Noon Friday through Sunday evening, however the very worst of the heat will occur Saturday and Sunday. You won’t notice because you’ll already be dead.
* TEMPERATURE...Actual air temperatures will be in the upper 600s to lower 700s Friday, increasing to the 795 to 812 degree range both Saturday and Sunday. It will not cool off much overnight, with lows in most areas only dropping to the mid 500s.
* Impacts...The level of heat and humidity is very dangerous for any exposure, however brief, for all life forms and most minerals, too. Will be great for pizzas, though.
* LOCATION...The whole goddamn country, sans Alaska and Hawaii. Did you just skip over the list of states above, or what?
PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS...
Take extra precautions, if you plan to be alive this weekend. Carry an ashtray, that is, to catch what’s left of you. When possible, reschedule strenuous activities to next January. Know the signs and symptoms of heat exhaustion and heat stroke, which at these temperatures include a brief shriek cut off by spontaneous combustion. Wear light weight and loose fitting asbestos when possible and make sure hoses are inserted in all orifices and blasting nonstop.
Young children and pets should never be left unattended in vehicles under any circumstances, unless, of course, they refuse to learn how to code or demand a Green New Deal. This is especially true during Venusian weather when car exteriors can liquefy in a matter of minutes.
We’d say this was related to global warming, but some guy named Rocco from The Trump Organization said we won’t be allowed into NORAD’s Cheyenne Mountain Complex this weekend if we do.
...Please hold for further communication...
Oh, and, uh, Trump hasn’t a racist bone in his body.
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