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20 December 2007

"I hear Jesus totally rocks on Guitar Hero."

A non sequitor for anyone not in on the e-mail conversation, but it tickled my fancy:

The Jesus Christ Experience has Conquered America!

By Doug Tarnopol. Published December 25, 2007

The Jesus Christ Experience, fresh from a successful tour of former Soviet republics, rocked the Mabee Center at Oral Roberts University last night.

Jesus, of course, stole the show, singing "I'll Lay My Hands on You" suspended face down from a huge lighted crucifix, flying over the crowd. But the band was tight, especially with Peter on keys, a leper on bass (they haven't had a steady bassist since Judas left the group to tour with Kiss), and Torquemada laying down the heavy beats.

Even though the stage show had to be altered -- Tulsa's a dry town, so bottled water remained water -- everyone really hit their mark. Magdalene, Bathsheba, and Mary did their usual great backup singing, and in killer outfits: they make Jane's Addiction's dancers look like a bunch of latte-sipping Vermont feminists. Their manager, God, said that he hasn't had this kind of talent (and success) since Moses and the Ten Commandments.

"This kind of act comes around once every thousand years or so. As you know, most of 'em just disappear, but the greats -- the JCE, Moses, A.L.A -- they're for the ages." God is reported to have a 51% interest in each of those three groups.

Most of the kids we spoke to loved The Jesus Christ Experience:

  • Sebastian: "They just nail it from every angle every single time."
  • Bartholomew: "Every concert, I jump right out of my skin."
  • Jean d'Arc: "Made me want to save France all over again."
Their press agent, Paul Ben-Tarsus, brims over with what seems like real enthusiasm. "I love them so much," he says, breathless. "Everyone needs to know about them, so I spread the news in every media market. I keep writing letters to everyone to get with it."

But not everyone is so positive:
  • John the Baptist: "He's been biting my best stuff for two millennia now. I'm OK with it though: no need to lose my head over it."
  • Moses: "Sure, they play with great feeling, but they have no discipline. They break all the rules."
  • Chuang Tze: "Too much noise for me. I prefer silence, or at least 4'33"."
Their latest album, Upon This, Rock, is an instant classic, and the hit singles "Grace Your Bitch Up" and "Turtleneckin' Is No Skin Off" are climbing up the charts. The album and singles are available (in mono only) from Theizm Records -- available wherever fine music is sold.

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