Skip to main content

Turkish Coffee: My Declarations of Faith

This is the only way to consume coffee. I got myself a little Turkish coffee pot, now called “Potty,” and a steady stream of Turkey’s top coffee grinds from a local Arabic market (run by Syrian refugees). 

It is bliss and encouraged the following:
I bear witness that there is no coffee worthy of imbibement except Turkish coffee, and I bear witness that Douglas (peace be upon him) is the Servant and final Messenger of Turkish coffee.
Being ecumenical, I made this declaration in several traditions:
Hear, O Species: Turkish coffee is my god; Turkish coffee is one.
And my version of the Nicean Creed, which is the only one I recognize—fuck all the other Christian creeds. They’re weak tea—or, in this case, weak coffee:
We believe in one kind of coffee, Turkish coffee, Maker of all things visible and invisible. And in one method of making coffee: using a little pot, the Mother of Coffee, and powedery grounds begotten of the Father (the only-begotten; that is, of the essence of coffee, God of God,) Light of Light, very God of very God, begotten, not made, being of one substance with the water in which it is nearly boiled; by which all things get done [both in heaven and on earth]; which for us men, and for our salivation, was ground down and was nearly boiled and was made coffee; yes, it nearly boiled, and on the third near-boiling the foam rose again, and the aroma ascended into heaven. From the pot shall it come to quicken the dead tired. And with a little Holy Sugar.
And for all you Buddhists out there:
The Four Noble Truths: 
1. To go without Turkish coffee is suffering. Since one cannot drink Turkish coffee all the time, everyone experiences suffering during their life. 
2. The origin of suffering is not drinking Turkish coffee.
3. The extinction of suffering is the making and drinking of Turkish coffee (“Nirvana”).
4. The eight-fold path leading to the extinction of suffering is as follows:  
1. The right views on how to make coffee.
2. The right intention to make coffee properly 
3. The right speech, if any is necessary for proper coffee construction. 
4. The right actions as you make, pour, and consume Turkish coffee. 
5. The right efforts to properly make coffee (ie, the Turkish way).
6. The knowledge that your proper livelihood depends on making the right kind of coffee the right way. 
7. Proper mindfulness when making the coffee: following all instructions properly so it doesn’t boil over and ruin everything. 
8. Proper concentration of coffee (and sugar) in water.