DOUG and DONNA are talking quietly in bed at 5 AM one morning. GRENDEL bursts in between them.
GRENDEL [Talking fast with forced bonhomie; out of patience.]: Hey, guys, I’ve been looking all over for you! Doug, Donna: how are ya, how are ya—Merry Christmas—[To DONNA.] Hey, listen, I need my breakfast.
DONNA: Hey, Grendel—relax. OK? Relax. It’s nearly Christmas—relax.
GRENDEL: I’m relaxing: I need my breakfast.
DONNA: Relax!
GRENDEL: I did what I had to do: I need my breakfast.
DONNA walks away in disgust to the living room. GRENDEL turns to DOUG.
DOUG [Trying to reason with GRENDEL.]: Not now, Grendel—
DONNA: Relax!
GRENDEL: I did what I had to do: I need my breakfast.
DONNA walks away in disgust to the living room. GRENDEL turns to DOUG.
DOUG [Trying to reason with GRENDEL.]: Not now, Grendel—
GRENDEL: Listen, I did my snuggling—she owes me. I mean, every other cat in the neighborhood is flashing their empty cans here. Evidently they all got fed, and I’m still bearing the same old hunger. They’re eating this morning! They’re eating! [Moves away from DOUG.] I gotta talk to her. [Storms off; DOUG follows.] DONNA! DONNA!
DOUG catches up with GRENDEL and stops him in the hallway; GRENDEL shakes him off.
GRENDEL: No, listen—I got three ounces of minced salmon coming my way. DONNA got four hours of snuggling last night, the biggest fucking snuggle she’s ever had in her life—
DOUG: I’ll go talk to her.
GRENDEL: I want my fucking breakfast.
DOUG: I’ll go talk to her—
GRENDEL: I want my fucking breakfast.
DOUG: Go have a drink from your water bowl; I’ll go talk to her.
GRENDEL: It’s poison in my eye. It’s poison in my eye.
*
CUT to 45 seconds later, LIVING ROOM. GRENDEL confronts DOUG and DONNA as they emerge from the BEDROOM
GRENDEL: Hey, DOUG, DONNA, I’ve been looking all over for you—DONNA, can I talk to you for a second?
DONNA ignores GRENDEL and keeps walking toward the kitchen while DOUG pushes GRENDEL back into the living room. GRENDEL is angry.
GRENDEL: DOUG, what is it? Fuck her. I mastermind the whole goddamn snuggling thing and I’m left hungry? She’d be up the creek without a paddle if it wasn’t for me. Fuck her!—I want my breakfast!
DOUG: [Trying to hold GRENDEL down.] GRENDEL, GRENDEL…
GRENDEL: I want my fucking breakfast—I’ve had it up to here!
DOUG: OK, OK…
GRENDEL: That cheap instructional-designing hoodlum!
GRENDEL: DOUG, what is it? Fuck her. I mastermind the whole goddamn snuggling thing and I’m left hungry? She’d be up the creek without a paddle if it wasn’t for me. Fuck her!—I want my breakfast!
DOUG: [Trying to hold GRENDEL down.] GRENDEL, GRENDEL…
GRENDEL: I want my fucking breakfast—I’ve had it up to here!
DOUG: OK, OK…
GRENDEL: That cheap instructional-designing hoodlum!
DOUG: [Threateningly.] GRENDEL!
GRENDEL: No—fuck her! I want my breakfast!
DOUG: [Giving up.] Fine—go tell her.
GRENDEL freezes.
DOUG: GRENDEL, you’re gonna get your breakfast, OK? You just have to stop breaking balls!
GRENDEL looks without hope at DOUG. He begins to sing.
GRENDEL: Oh, Dougie boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling….
DOUG: [Still frustrated but laughing.] Oh, man.
GRENDEL: Come on, you little Hebe—I’ll sing one in Yiddish for ya.
DONNA, standing by the kitchen counter, watches GRENDEL walk back into the BEDROOM.
GRENDEL: The summer’s gone, and all the roses dying…
GRENDEL freezes.
DOUG: GRENDEL, you’re gonna get your breakfast, OK? You just have to stop breaking balls!
GRENDEL looks without hope at DOUG. He begins to sing.
GRENDEL: Oh, Dougie boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling….
DOUG: [Still frustrated but laughing.] Oh, man.
GRENDEL: Come on, you little Hebe—I’ll sing one in Yiddish for ya.
DONNA, standing by the kitchen counter, watches GRENDEL walk back into the BEDROOM.
GRENDEL: The summer’s gone, and all the roses dying…
DONNA starts to smile malevolently as Cream’s “Sunshine of Your Love” begins. Slo-mo push in.
*
CUT TO exterior of 37 Rose Hill Drive, five minutes later. Cream continues in the background as DOUG and DONNA walk around the garden in the backyard.
CUT TO exterior of 37 Rose Hill Drive, five minutes later. Cream continues in the background as DOUG and DONNA walk around the garden in the backyard.
DOUG [Voiceover.]: I could see for the first time that DONNA was a nervous wreck. Her mind was going in eight different directions at once.
DONNA [To DOUG.]: You think GRENDEL needs to go on a diet?
DONNA [To DOUG.]: You think GRENDEL needs to go on a diet?
DOUG: GRENDEL, him?
Freeze-frame.
DOUG [Voiceover.]: That’s when I knew DONNA wasn’t going to feed GRENDEL breakfast. That’s how it happens. That’s how fast it takes for a cat to stay hungry.
Freeze-frame.
DOUG [Voiceover.]: That’s when I knew DONNA wasn’t going to feed GRENDEL breakfast. That’s how it happens. That’s how fast it takes for a cat to stay hungry.
Freeze-frame ends.
DOUG [To DONNA, trying to protect GRENDEL.]: The cat’s a nut job, he eats at the speed of light. You see him on the couch, looking a little chunky. Nobody pays attention to his gut; nobody cares about his gut. Nobody fucking cares, he eats so much.
DOUG [To DONNA, trying to protect GRENDEL.]: The cat’s a nut job, he eats at the speed of light. You see him on the couch, looking a little chunky. Nobody pays attention to his gut; nobody cares about his gut. Nobody fucking cares, he eats so much.
DONNA [Significantly.] Make sure you bring him out to the kitchen in a few minutes. All right?
DOUG [Worried.] All right.
DOUG [Worried.] All right.
*
CUT TO kitchen. GRENDEL is cavorting with DONNA and DOUG. He drools a little.
GRENDEL [Laughing.]: Oh, DONNA, did I get you in the eye?
DONNA: GRENDEL, stop breaking my balls, all right?
DOUG [Voiceover]: I was just stalling for time. I knew I still had till six or seven o’clock to talk DONNA out of not feeding GRENDEL. But meanwhile, as far as DONNA knew, I was going along with the program.
GRENDEL is regaling DOUG and DONNA with his recent mouse murder.
GRENDEL: I bit him—he’s on the fucking floor. I’m fucking enraged—I wanted to kill this little fuck. I walk away and I start to go under the fucking chair, and all of a sudden the mouse is like, “Squeak, squeak."
DOUG and DONNA start laughing.
CUT TO kitchen. GRENDEL is cavorting with DONNA and DOUG. He drools a little.
GRENDEL [Laughing.]: Oh, DONNA, did I get you in the eye?
DONNA: GRENDEL, stop breaking my balls, all right?
DOUG [Voiceover]: I was just stalling for time. I knew I still had till six or seven o’clock to talk DONNA out of not feeding GRENDEL. But meanwhile, as far as DONNA knew, I was going along with the program.
GRENDEL is regaling DOUG and DONNA with his recent mouse murder.
GRENDEL: I bit him—he’s on the fucking floor. I’m fucking enraged—I wanted to kill this little fuck. I walk away and I start to go under the fucking chair, and all of a sudden the mouse is like, “Squeak, squeak."
DOUG and DONNA start laughing.
GRENDEL: I don’t wanna turn around—the mouse keeps going like this. [GRENDEL mimics the mouse elbowing him. DOUG and DONNA are laughing louder.] I don’t want to fucking turn around! He picks up his fucking head and says, “aggghhh, agghhhh.” [As if to the MOUSE.] “Don’t fucking say it!” [Mimicking the wounded mouse.] “Aaagggh…agggh…aaagghh—Squeak!” [GRENDEL slams his paw on the table as DONNA and DOUG laugh.] What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? I fucking fly at him; I got him and I’m biting his head—I’m biting his fucking face—I’m pulling fur out of his throat. I bit him to a fucking pulp. To a fucking pulp, I bit him! He’s laying there, full of fucking blood. I’m out of breath, I got blood all over me—
DONNA [To DOUG in an aside as they laugh.] Forget about what I said. Forget about it.
GRENDEL: —he’s laughing at me the whole time—
DOUG [Voiceover]: It was like a load off my mind. Poor bastard. He never knew how close he came to not getting breakfast. Even if I told him, he would have never believed me.
*
*
CUT TO KITCHEN, five minutes later.
GRENDEL: DONNA, can I have my breakfast now?
DONNA: Son of a bitch. You know you’re a pisser?
GRENDEL: Yeah.
DONNA: You’re a real pisser. You want to eat your breakfast now?
GRENDEL: Please.
GRENDEL: DONNA, can I have my breakfast now?
DONNA: Son of a bitch. You know you’re a pisser?
GRENDEL: Yeah.
DONNA: You’re a real pisser. You want to eat your breakfast now?
GRENDEL: Please.
DONNA: OK, let’s feed you now and get it over with.
GRENDEL: OK.
DONNA: I swear to god I never knew a ball-buster like you my whole life.
GRENDEL: Hey! Who loves you more than I do, huh?
DONNA: [To DOUG.] Look at this guy.
GRENDEL: I’d do anything for you!
DONNA: Yeah, except to stop busting my balls!
GRENDEL: Hey! Who loves you more than I do, huh?
DONNA: [To DOUG.] Look at this guy.
GRENDEL: I’d do anything for you!
DONNA: Yeah, except to stop busting my balls!
DONNA opens a can and puts it on GRENDEL’s plastic feeding mat.
DONNA: Come on, Doug, let’s make some coffee.
DOUG: We got any danish?
FIN