A Scene from _Charade Runner: The Campaign Director's Cut_
Washington, D.C.
2019
INT. DNC CONFERENCE ROOM.
An intern runs across the conference room as PR HACK watches his progress. JOE BIDEN walks in.
BIDEN
Do you like our intern?
Do you like our intern?
PR HACK
Is it unpaid?
BIDEN, right hand in pocket, smiles and saunters over to PR HACK.
BIDEN
Of course it is.
PR HACK
Must be a relative of a very big donor.
BIDEN
Very. I’m Joe.
PR HACK
PR Hack.
BIDEN
It seems you feel our work might be a benefit to the public.
PR HACK
Candidates are like any other product. They’re either a benefit or a hazard. If they’re a benefit, it's my problem.
BIDEN
May I ask a personal question?
PR HACK
Sure.
BIDEN
Have you ever run a progressive by mistake?
PR HACK
No.
BIDEN
But in your position that is a risk—
The INTERN flits out of the conference room.
ROBBY MOOK (offscreen)
Is this to be a flame-out-potential test?
PR HACK turns to see a young, bespectacled man—very Gen-X, very Big-Data—has entered the conference room.
Capillary dilation of the so-called blush response? Fluctuation of the pupil? Involuntary dilation of the iris?
PR HACK
We call it “Gary-Hart” for short.
BIDEN
Mr. PR Hack; Mr. Robby Mook.
They nod at each other.
MOOK
Demonstrate it. I want to see it work.
PR HACK
Where's Cory Booker?
MOOK
I want to see it work on a viable candidate. I want to see a negative before I provide you with a positive.
PR HACK
What's that gonna prove?
MOOK
Indulge me.
PR HACK
On you?
MOOK indicates BIDEN.
MOOK
Try him.
PR HACK looks at BIDEN and shrugs. BIDEN smiles.
PR HACK
It's too bright in here.
MOOK hits a button. The lights fade down. PR HACK places the Gary-Hart case on the table. The Gary-Hart opens like a butterfly as the room darkens.
BIDEN
Do you mind if I hold my good-luck charm?
PR HACK
It won’t affect the test. All right, I’m going to ask you a series of questions. Just relax and answer them as quickly as you can.
BIDEN’S face fills the screen, the iris brilliant, shot with light, the pupil contracting.
It’s the day you announce your candidacy. You are given a good line from a past politician’s speech.
MOOK stands silhouetted behind PR HACK, who sits in front of BIDEN. The needles in both gauges swing violently past green to red, then subside.
BIDEN
I wouldn't accept it. Also, I’d report the person who gave it to me to the DNC.
PR HACK
You have an enthusiastic aide. He shows you a Word document containing his quotation collection, plus how to cut-and-paste.
Again the gauges register, but not so far.
BIDEN
I'd take him for a Republican mole and spin-doctor.
PR HACK
You're watching television and suddenly you notice a line that’d be good for a speech.
BIDEN
I'd steal it.
Both needles go red. PR HACK makes a note and continues.
PR HACK
You’re reading a magazine. You come across a full-page photo of Bernie Sanders.
BIDEN
Is this testing whether I'm a plagiarist or a progressive, Mr. Hack?
PR HACK
Just answer the questions, please.
You show the photo to your campaign manager. He likes the photo so much that he hangs it on the wall.
You show the photo to your campaign manager. He likes the photo so much that he hangs it on the wall.
BIDEN
I wouldn't let him.
PR HACK
Why not?
BIDEN
I should be enough for him.
The scene fades out and back in indicating some time has passed.
PR HACK
You’re watching an old video from your 1988 campaign. It shows a speech in progress. The guests are enjoying recycled lines. The speech consists of one of Neil Kinnock’s stuffed with tripe.
Needles remain motionless. PR HACK, surprised, leans back and switches off his beam.
MOOK
Would you step out for a few minutes, Joe? Thank you.
BIDEN leaves the room. PR HACK stares at MOOK. MOOK meets his look.
PR HACK
He’s not a viable candidate, is he?
He’s not a viable candidate, is he?
MOOK
I'm impressed. How many questions does it usually take to spot one?
PR HACK
I don't get it, Robby.
MOOK
How many questions?
PR HACK
During a debate, or at a press conference, if the questions have been leaked to the candidate and unfriendly journalists aren’t allowed to ask any...about twenty or thirty.
MOOK
It took more than a hundred for Biden, didn't it?
PR HACK
He doesn't know.
MOOK
He's beginning to suspect, I think.
PR HACK
Suspect! How can he not know he’s unelectable?
MOOK
Commerce is our goal here at the Democratic Party. More big donors than the Republicans is our motto. Biden is an expedient; nothing more.
MOOK walks to the window.
MOOK
We began to notice in Biden a strange obsession to run. After all, he is well-liked, even by progressives who consider him ideologically compromised.
But he's emotionally impulsive. No number of failed campaigns will teach him the lessons which you and I take for granted. If we gift him a past, we create a cushion or pillow for his emotions. And then he’s more disciplined, and then we can use his likeability to sheepdog the progressives much better.
But he's emotionally impulsive. No number of failed campaigns will teach him the lessons which you and I take for granted. If we gift him a past, we create a cushion or pillow for his emotions. And then he’s more disciplined, and then we can use his likeability to sheepdog the progressives much better.
PR HACK
Memories! You’re talking about memories! Where do you get them?
MOOK
In the case of Biden, I followed Hillary Clinton's advice. I simply copied and regenerated her 2016 campaign strategy and policies from her brain cells. Biden remembers what she remembers; Biden thinks what she thinks.
BIDEN sticks his head in the conference room.
BIDEN
Hey, did you see where my hot sauce went? I can’t find it in my purse.
MOOK
It’s OK, Joe: there’s some in the pantry by the coffee machine.
BIDEN
You know I’m the most qualified person to be president, Robby, right? It's my turn!
MOOK
Yes, Joe.
BIDEN
And after I’m elected, we’ll tell Europe to stop taking refugees, right, Robby? Haven't they done enough?
MOOK
Yes, Joe. Go get that hot sauce, now! You'll need it for the cold open this Saturday. Remember to shake it into the immigrant-predators' eyes to make them come to heel!
BIDEN flips an OK sign, flashes a fake smile, and scampers off.
PR HACK
My people are going to want me to retire him, you know. He can't last.
My people are going to want me to retire him, you know. He can't last.
MOOK
Is that a threat, Mr. Hack?
PR HACK
We cannot afford to allow an off-center candidate like Sanders to win the primary and take over the party. He nearly did it last time.
MOOK
That will not happen, Mr. Hack. The Biden-6 will serve our purpose.
PR HACK
I know the progressives were sent off-world fifty years ago, but there have been reports of tightly-knit cells infiltrating their way back into the Democratic power structure. They are smarter, stronger, braver, more disciplined. In short, a threat. We must have a candidate who won't flame out.
MOOK
Look, the progressives have only a four-year lifespan. They might seem scary now, but there is no way around it: any traction they get will be undermined by charges of sexism, racism, and/or antisemitism. It's automatic. That, along with a properly packaged and managed Biden-6, should be enough to hold them off so that we can then beat Trump in the general by triangulating.
PR HACK
I don't know, Robby. It sounds risky.
MOOK
We'll be needing a director of communications, you know. Three hundred thousand a year, starting whenever you like.
PR HACK
I'm with him!
