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Adventures in really-existing customer service—all just today

I. Coastway Community Bank

I put the app on my new iPhone. It asks for a membership number. I have no clue what that is. So, a week ago, I email a request for help to the address they provide. I get no response.

Today, I call the number provided. I’m put on hold for fifteen minutes, told I’m loved, that everything about me and this call is Coastway’s raison d’etre—blah, blah, bullshit, bullshit—and then I’m told if I want to leave a message, I can choose to do so.

I don’t choose to do so. I’m shunted to voicemail anyway. I hang up, find the Rhode Island Credit Union online, and send in a sales contact form, as I’m now dumping Coastway, which also features an ATM at my local branch that has, no joke, been down about 33% of the time I drive through trying to get some dough re: me.

Fuck them.

II. My doctor

Having just gotten an iPhone, I wanted to fill in my blood type on my medical whatnot thingy—doesn’t matter. So, I call my doctor’s office—Brown U Primary Care or whatever the hell they’re calling themselves nowadays. They tell me the office is closed for lunch—fine. But I’m given no opportunity to leave a message—it’s call back or call 911, basically. These are the people who also tell me and my wife that we have to keep track of our annuals because their system can’t handle that. What the fuck kind of medical-office system can’t handle fucking annuals? For a PCP group? And, if so, why can’t they keep the fucking records? Why am I doing their work for them?

Yes, my last doc/org, Harvard’s out on 128, had the same issue.

Oh, and I simply tried to get a derm referral a couple months ago. Literally never happened. My appointment was canceled because they never got the referral. After literally me calling three times to make sure, to try to get it to them.

III. Apple

I recently signed up for Apple Music. My library of accumulated music instantly disappeared from Apple TV. No idea why. I go through Apple Support, which we paid for, extra, and follow all their instructions—finding my fucking serial number and so on—and am autocalled back and put on hold. Fine. I get to choose my hold music. Wonderful. They tell me they love me about a thousand times. I’m on hold for 20 minutes; then hung up on. I never touched the fucking phone; it was on speaker—they hung up on me. I go to my email receipt; reply asking for a callback. I get a bounce saying no one checks that email.

Didn’t happen today, but I’ll throw in my Goldtouch Bluetooth keyboard for my iPadPro. It’s never worked right. Freezes or kicks out constantly. Goldtouch says call Apple; Apple says call my ISP; my ISP says call either Apple or Goldtouch.

I swear they’re all in it together.

The printer, too—sometimes it works, sometimes not. I call HP; they say, call Apple or my ISP—and round and round and round. But they all fucking love me to death and my call is more important to them than their own very lives.

I’m sure they all think brand loyalty, near monopolies, the crazed busyness of most people will wear them down—plus, how much fun to make friends online doing tech companies’ or banks’ tech and customer service for them! Why is my attitude so bad?

It’s as if I think that when I pay fucking money for a fucking product or service, it should actually work.

Typical Bernie Bro.