Major-General Ulysses S. Cat Displays His Generalship

From the Belknap Press’s recent annotated edition of Cat’s classic memoirs.


Chapter 32. 

Breakfast’s Aftermath—Bed and Hall Closet—Lunch—Dinner?


After enfilading Tarnopol’s distended bladder with my paws at 0430, which led to the re-establishment of my night-broken line of supply, as already noted, I immediately commenced entrenching myself underneath the covers on Bed.

Received military wisdom rejects digging oneself in to this extent but my strategy has always been simple: When not eating, seek comfort. Other authors have questioned this wisdom but I note they always look a little peaked.

Using Bed as a base of operations, at around 0930 I then reconnitored out to Hall Closet to see about supplies.

This drew Tarnopol away from his computer (“Not far enough!” I hear you mutter under your breath) as was intended, since I wanted to hide what a mess my troops had made of Sandy Box. Tarnopol, as usual, fell for it.

Upon failure to establish an early supply line in enemy territory, a subsidiary goal of the feint, I massed myself in the sun in Living Room, abandoning coverage on Bed for a locale that maximized my intelligence of the enemy’s movements.

After approximately fifteen minutes of frustration at the lack of movement on the enemy’s part—a constant irritant in this endless war—I issued the following order, the relevant parts of which are excerpted:
Headquarters Department of the Pawtuxet,
Cranston, Rhode Island, March 26, 2018.
Special Orders, No. 102.
* * * * * * * * * * *
VIII. The following orders are published for the information and guidance of the “Ape in the Field,” in its present movement to obtain a foothold on the “door handle” of Hall Closet, from which Lunch can be approached by practicable pathways.
 
First.—The First Ape Corps, Galley-Slave Doug Tarnopol commanding, will constitute the right wing. 
Second.—The First Ape Corps, Galley-Slave Doug Tarnopol commanding, will constitute the left wing. 
Third.—The First Ape Corps, Galley-Slave Doug Tarnopol commanding, will constitute the center. 
Fourth.—The order of march to Hall Closet will be from right to left—or left to right—or we really don’t care; just advance and achieve the objective, preferably before 1100. 
Fifth.—Reserves in the form of Doug’s wife being otherwise disposed*, Galley-Slave Tarnopol will achieve the goal or be returned on his shield.
Sixth.—Troop will be required to bivouac by Hall Closet until proper facilities can be afforded for the transportation of camp equipage as I might need to stretch out on the whole bed at any time and could always use a snack. 
Seventh.—In the present movement, one meal will be allowed to the troop per day from rations already provided. The one tent allowed for bivuoac will also serve as regimental, division, and brigade headquarters. We must all economize in this time of trial. 
Eighth.—All three corps will constitute a train for carrying supplies and any authorized cat equipage of the commanding Major-General. 
Ninth.—As fast as any of the corps achieves its objective, the other two will continue to press for another objective, particularly if there are any chopped-beef objectives left.
Tenth.—The corps will guard their own lines from any infiltrating enemy, whether another cat or just some bugs. 
Eleventh.—A general hospital will be established by Galley-Slave for his own treatment should he fail in the alacritous achievement of his goal and suffer just punishment at my claw. 
Twelfth.—The movement of troop from Hall Closet to Food Dish will be so conducted as to allow the transportation of ten days’ supply of rations per meal of the Major-General, required by previous orders. 
Thirteenth.—Galley-Slave is authorized and enjoined to collect all the beef cattle, fish and other necessary supplies on the line of march; but wanton destruction of napping, discussion of topics useless for feline purposes, insulting the cat, going into and searching underneath covers without proper orders from the Major-General, are positively prohibited. 
Fourteenth.—Galley-Slave Doug Tarnopol is appointed to the command of all the forces detailed for the protection of the line from Desk to Hall Closet to Food Dish. His particular attention is called to General Orders, No. 69, from Adjutant-General’s Office, Washington, of date March 20, 2018.**
By order of
MAJOR-GENERAL ULYSSES S. CAT
_________________________________________________
*On March 25, 2018, Private D. Tortorella, under the cover of a business trip during which she was to give a speech at a conference, was transported to Orlando, Florida in order to find exotic treats and toys for Cat. OR, I, 24(II), 204.

**Gen. Orders No. 69 outlined the procedures for organizing “Invalid Detachments” for limited duty until those wounded or otherwise disabled by Ulysses S. Cat for the dereliction of their sole duty were fit for field duty again. O’Brien and Diefendorf, General Orders of the War Department, 2:68; PGSG, 8:99n.