Thank you, “Hero” Corker and “Heckuva Job” Kainey, VP to HRC!

In re: this: 

ME: These progressive heroes-of-the-hour are really helping, aren’t they?

Boy, picking Tim “Who the Fuck Is He?” Kaine was a far better move than Sanders, wasn’t it? What a political genius HRC is! What a far-seeing member of the #Resistance(TM) that Citizen Kaine is! I mean, c’mon—the proof’s in the pudding. Look at the legislation!

Of course, good liberals will now join the right (their favorite game—quite telling: you see, being a far-right nut is known as Being a Hard-nosed Adult, unlike those limp-wristed latte-sipping lazy milennial children who are flirting with democratic socialism, the fools, and who, amazingly, aren’t kissing our asses for destroying their chances for a decent existence, the selfish losers!) in bashing the ACLU. Lather, rinse, repeat. Hey, liberals have adopted McCarthyite Russophobia, along with permanent war and rightwing economics—why stop there? 

GOOD LIBERAL 1: Doug, you ideologically blinded idiot. Once again, I have to slowly explain in words even you might understand what the entirely unbiased, non-ideological, technocratic, echt-rational overarching strategy is here. Pay attention, now—see if this can fly in under your ideological radar: we have to destroy what was decent in old-school Democrats by embracing McCarthyism, permanent war, and rightwing economics in order to elect Democrats who will save the party, and the country—and the world—from McCarthyism, permanent war, and rightwing economics. You finally get that now?

But, unlike the scumbag Republicans, we insist that women and people of color have a proportional share in leading the species off a cliff. If you can’t see the sanity and justice in that, you’re obviously a Trumper, a Putin bot, and probably a sexual harrasser, too. Bet you don’t like Hamilton, either, let alone Kendrick Lamar’s Pulitzer-winning masterpiece—an utterance on par with Beethoven’s best. Racist, misogynist pig!

Where’s my Hillary t-shirt? Only by burying my face in that can I withstand the world-historical injustice that you and your ilk embody—you, all the BernieBros, Putin, Assange, Glenn Greenwald, Trump—all of you who stole from me the chance to reflect in the glory of someone I think, wrongly, is “just like me” running things! If only you were as deeply embedded in policy as I am, you’d get this. It’s just sad, frankly.

As for the policy being laid out, as far as is yet known, it’s no big deal: just the probably permanent, bipartisan ceding of all possible warmaking powers to the executive branch. That’s called “preserving our American way of life” and “honoring the Founders.” It’s a deeply tradtionalist, conservative, America-loving move, to totally undermine pretty much the freaking point of this country. Only a leftwing fool like you—who won’t even admit that Pinker’s right that everything is just peachy out of a near-Satanic need to hold back human progress, as has always been the case with the Left—would miss this giant piece of obviousness. 

GOOD LIBERAL 2: Besides, everyone knows that’s the whole point of the constitution—a totally compliant legislative branch giving up its explicit powers to the executive branch. In perpetuity. Even Montesquieu would approve—and he was a cheese-eating surrender monkey frog who probably cheated on his wife, if he wasn’t gay.

IVY-EDUCATED LIBERAL: I don’t know who this “Montesquieu” guy you mentioned is—is it a clothing brand?—but, Doug, why do you crap all over one of the few instances of bipartisanship we’ve had? Don’t you understand that the NYT and NPR told me to support anything that even looks like normal government or else we may have a full blown legitimation crisis that could lead to sane policies? It must be because you’re a chair-throwing, female-Senator-threatening BernieBro nihilist who wants to destroy everything decent that the Democratic Party has ever stood for. MSNBC told me so.

On an entirely unrelated topic: isn’t Fox just blatant propaganda? I can’t believe those flyover morons fall for that. Too bad they’re not as smart, savvy, and deeply principled as we are. 

[Aside.] Oh, and, uh, honey—make sure to tell our money manager to shift some assets into defense: I read that those stocks are soaring, given the increased budget, decreased controls on arms sales, and expectations of some higher-level low-level war than we’ve had recently. But make sure you’re wearing your pink pussy hat when you talk to the guy—and did we make sure there isn’t a money manager of color who’ll give us an equal or better deal? We wouldn’t want to be, like, immoral or anything. We have principles, after all, unlike those stupid Leg-Trumpers.